Moms Need a Timeout Too

By EMMA BARLOW, Staff Writer

As a mother of two rambunctious boys, I am on the go from sun-up to sun-down, and am always on call for those  two-in-the-morning vomit-fests.

Most days, I feel like I’m in the middle of a war: fighting my way through piles of laundry and the Lego landmines that await my bare feet around the corner. Before children, Saturday nights consisted of movies and girls nights out, now they consist of Nerf gun wars and Spongebob Squarepants.

Don’t get me wrong, I love making memories with my family, and Nerf gun wars are fun no matter how old you are. But so many times I get caught up with the week-to-week routine that I forget to schedule some me time. Because fo this, I end up getting burned out sometimes, and am not the most pleasant person to be around.

As moms, we are naturally the first to sacrifice a need in order to meet the needs of our families, and we are generally used to juggling one hundred tasks on our weekly to do list. We welcome the dark circles that come under our eyes that arrive after staying up until 3AM to make a cake for our child’s school function the next day. Anything for the kids, plus I don’t want to be the one who brings in the absolutely minimal-effort storebought dessert.

 After months of going on like this, and taking a date night only once every two months, I ran right into a brick wall. My husband had to physically lift me out of bed each morning and tell me that everything was going to be okay, and that I just need to take a break. That’s tough though, because then has to leave me alone with the little rascals for eight hours.

My sweet mother-in-law (a rare label for a mother-in-law, I realize) listened to me cry and whine said to me, “Listen, you just need to find something that is just yours. Something that you do just for you, just for Emma”.

What? I instantly knew she was right, but then another problem arose…what do I like to do? I don’t know. It’s been so long since I have tried to find a hobby to pick up, because in my spare time I’m just usually trying to find my pillow! This is when I knew that I had completely lost myself in motherhood. As amazing and important the role of being a mom to my boys is, I had thrown out all my old interests and adopted a single interest: them.

So, I decided to think about things I used to enjoy. I used to enjoy painting, even though I wasn’t that great at it it brought me peace and a sense of accomplishment. I used to read for hours and hours sitting in grassy areas of my local park, and even sometimes go for an aimless two-hour walk.

I decided to make a list of all these things and tell my husband that if I am going to survive another week, I need to take some timeouts from motherhood to reconnect with old passions. Being the sweet man that he is, he told me just to tell him when I need these breaks. Communication works, regardless of the taboo you may think it carries. If we do not hold our identity in anything else but our children, what will we do as they grow and detach from us more and more? I certainly don’t want to be the mom who clings to her child for a sense of worth, and put all that pressure on them. As moms, we need to find out what we actually enjoy, and do it!

Schedule timeouts a week or month ahead on the family calendar so that it is set in stone, and you don’t say yes to the PTA meeting that night. Honor these breaks, because not only will it give you a sense of independence from the weight of upholding a home, it will replenish you in ways you didn’t think were possible. Ultimately, your whole family will benefit.

And that’s my giving a hoot.

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Emma is an extremely busy and proud mother of two young, strapping lads. She lives in the Phoenix Metropolitan area with her husband of six years and is an active member in the faith community.

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No Such Thing As A Novice Mom

by Emma Barlow, special to The Daily Damn

When I was a little girl, I’d write a list of my future children’s names in my Cinderella notebook, coupled with the last name of whatever boyfriend I had that week. Just like most elementary school girls I knew, mind you. I always swore I would marry each one. I had about a dozen baby girl names, and no boy names because, as most naive girls think, my life would go exactly as planned as long as I believed it would (I can thank Disney for this outlook on life).

While in my teenage years, I watched my mom’s kids and babysat them. I would vow never to let my kid get away with throwing a tantrum in the middle of the restaurant. When I had my chance at motherhood, I would be a perfect mom. A mother whose kids always had clean clothes, used their manners, and didn’t complain about the food I put on their plate. Oh, to be young and oblivious to the way the world really works!

Flash forward a few decades, and here I am: married, and blessed (and might I add stressed) with two healthy, energetic boys. My husband and I decided together that I would stay home with our boys, so that is my job. Not only did my fairy-tale dreams come crashing to the floor, but I realized how shallow and miniscule my worries of my child’s behavior at the dinner table were.

As soon as I heard my oldest son’s first cries, a new instinct kicked in. Right away, I started worrying about how much he should be eating, why he was crying, and why in the world did his poop look like black tar? Little did I know that these would be the least of my worries.

Next comes worrying about the milestones he was hitting. Why was the other mom’s baby standing when mine can barely pull himself up into a standing position? Is there something wrong with his development? Then comes toddlerhood, and that’s a whole new ballgame. Now I’m reading ten different books on discipline, and I don’t want to scar him for life if I don’t execute the time-out formula exactly how know-it-all jerks like SuperNanny say I need to.

The list of choices we are going to make on behalf of our children will only grow and become more complicated, and with each decision we open up ourselves to critique our parenting and beat ourselves up if it doesn’t go as planned. As I know, as mothers we scrutinize and question ourselves over every decision we make, or every reaction we have. I can’t count how many minutes I’ve sat up at night wondering if I’m making the right choice, or how many times I’ve called my closest friend crying and repeating, I’ve ruined him, I just know it!, or telling my husband, I just don’t know if it’s in my DNA to be a mother, some people just seem to just naturally ‘have it’.

Well, one thing I’ve learned is that every other mother out in the world has moments of insecurity regarding their parenting. If they say they don’t, they are lying. Or a robot. One of those two.

I believe this “fear of failure” comes from the immeasurable amount of love we have for our children, and the desire to see them be happy and flourish, and we try and put all of that onto our shoulders.

One way we as women can ease this “mom insecurity” is to connect with other moms. Find a mom’s group, connect with your neighborhood mothers. And if you’re part of a church, join or start a mom’s group. There’s nothing more refreshing than sitting with a group of moms, and connecting with them.

Many times when I’ve shared a shortcoming with another mom, like the incident I had last week when I yelled at my son instead of keeping calm and collected, we see that we share the same struggles. Sometimes she will tell me when I’m just sweating the small stuff. There have been times when I’ve shared my fears with them, even my absurd fear of a plane falling out of the sky and directly into my child’s room, and we all get a good chuckle out my overworked hormones’ effect on my imagination.

I believe that women are naturally relational, and that it is so good for our overall well being to connect and share with another mom who is dealing with the frustrations, and fears of failure. Together, we can help one another recognize that perfection is not necessary, but love is.

And that’s my giving a hoot.

Emma is an extremely busy and proud mother of two young, strapping lads. She lives in the Phoenix Metropolitan area with her husband of six years and is an active member in the faith community.