By ANDREW FLYNN, Managing Editor of The Daily Damn
COMPANIONSHIP
Not necessarily one that you have to procreate with, but one/two/three/animal-of-choice that complement(s) your soul, true and through. The yin to your yang, the cream to your coffee, the sprinkles on your sundae. The one who tells you the things you’re thinking about, and then tells you that you’re stupid for thinking about those things. See “KNOWLEDGE” for more proof of your incorrectness.
EMPLOYMENT
A happy person is usually one that is getting paid. Compensation structure differs, depending how well you’ve slept up the ladder. Should you find yourself on a ladder that is bending incorrectly, they sell them at Lowe’s for a discount this week.
ENTERTAINMENT
It’s not an absolute necessity, but it sure is good to have. This is truly something that you miss and feel lacking when it’s not there. Amusement is so crucial to preventing your natural urges to straight up murder somebody at random.
FAMILY
Your tribe, this is the blood that makes you. The kind of blood you don’t need a haz-mat suit to be around. Although if you do get pricked by a needle, you best be getting to an emergency room. After all the bombs go off and all the little trees are left charred yet still standing, these are the people in your life that you depend on regardless of how much you’ve previously disagreed with them. Or yelled a lot at and done horrible things to. Or taken a hearty squeeze on their front lawn in a blinding rage.
FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE
Certain financial planning radio talk show gurus will be overtly stern with you if you don’t have control of your own dough. On the other side, eating rice and beans for years on end really stinks, and isn’t really worth the price of getting yourself out of debt.
FOOD
Nutrition, energy, strength, gluttony. The kind that tastes good is the best. Anchovies and fish egg-based dishes are not to be included in this company under penalty of death and/or food poisoning. What’s your favorite?
HIGH-DEFINITION MULTI-CHANNEL PREMIUM CABLE
HBO. Showtime. Even Starz. Once you have these, you’ll understand exactly how much broadcast television really sucks. Should your favorite show be on one of these channels, you’re 87% less likely to deal with the word “cancelled”.
HUMAN CONTACT
I’ll leave you to decide how much of this that you actually need. There are those of us that require lots of contact, and also get paid hundreds of dollars per hour while doing so. And then there are those of us walk up and down the street all night with sores on our feet from wearing these blood-filled hooker boots.
IDIOTS
The human litmus test against your superiority. While technically under the category of entertainment, they can pervade your life enough at the wrong times to warrant their own category. But you can’t live without them. But you can “pwn” them, as per the parlance of our times.
KNOWING WHERE HOME IS
It’s where your bed and TV is. Pretty crucial, even if you live in a crummy refrigerator box in ASU’s Lot 59. $275 per semester parking tag sold seperately.
KNOWING YOURSELF
Not that way. See SPIRITUALITY, sicko. Who are you? If you don’t know this, you’re unlikely to have the ability to enjoy the other items on this darn list.
KNOWLEDGE
Wow, this is pretty broad, isn’t it? Remember that one man’s knowledge is not necessarily another man’s college. Or if you’re completely unable to understand metaphors, it means that us humans have different schools of thought. Extremes exist where violence occurs differences, usually in the form of revolution, divorce, mutiny, and armed robbery.
MUSIC
The audio compliment to this life, super awesome. Can be used as Karaoke aide.
Editor’s Note: Fallout Boy is not considered music, regardless of how awesome you feel while listening to them.
Editor’s Second Note: Nobody feels awesome listening to Fallout Boy.
SHELTER
Let me in, man! It’s raining out here.
SPIRITUALITY
To make sense of the things you can’t make sense of…somehow. Clouds and angelic harp music are usually included, as are flocking humans, manipulated water, and off-key congregational singing. Don’t expect to catch the whole game if you can’t do this at home.
SPORTS
The one true way to show awesomeness over someone else. Also a mechanism for degenerate gambling and organized crime.
TECHNOLOGY
The nerd’s one true way to show their awesomeness over everyone. They understand this because they don’t understand anyone else.
TRANSPORTATION
We’re in Phoenix, and we’re adults. Gotta have a car. Yes, this is on this list. Okay, if you ride or horse or a bicycle, you’ll probably survive…unless there’s a Death Race situation of some sort.
WATER
Bathe in it, drink it, grow things with it…just not in that order. Water is absolute, water is life. Sold by the liter in bottles labeled “Fuji” for $4.69 each. Also available conveniently in-room at the cost of $11.00, which you’ll see at the bottom of your hotel folio.
WRITING
This is a selfish one for me. To broaden this, let’s just call it self-expression. Because without this, we’d really have nothing to laugh at. That was your cue, and you missed it.
Postscript: Notice that much of today’s technology isn’t crucial to your survival. We can easily do without Facebook, TMZ, Anderson Cooper, cellular telephones, Netflix, 24-hour news channels, Range Rovers, Twitter, and the Kardashians (although I’d hardly ever refer to any of them as technology).
And that’s my giving a damn.
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