Category Archives: Smörgåsbord

Quick Bites: Somewhat Before Valentine’s Day

By ANDREW FLYNN, Managing Editor

I’m happy to bring you a new feature here at The Daily Damn. Quick Bites is about five pressing matters that take a pulse of America on the day that it posts!

List five different things of about 100+ words that matter.

1. I sure wish idiot parental lobbying groups like the Parent’s Television Council would really just shut their mouths about everything they have to say about anything regarding what they feel represents obscenity and child endangerment on the boob tube. Hardly the millionth person to despise them, they don’t serve a purpose besides to be an annoying, and pretty small, mind you, group that wishes The Waltons and Lassie were still on the idiot box. M.I.A. flipped off America, great. Make a stink about it, why don’t you? Nuts to your entire shitty organization.

2. Tuesday night brought news of a possible 24-hour newschannel from the perspective of Hispanics and brought to you by the ABC News and Univision networks. Hey, it might work. Goodness knows that there tons of underrepresented minorities on television…why not allow them to have a bully pulpit as big as Fox News and CNN so that they can produce hours and hours of stupid bullshit partisan shows too?

3. Rick Santorum isn’t dead yet. At the time I scheduled this (around 8pm MST) on WordPress, he was leading all three of the states that held primaries. This means that he may have even swept Tuesday’s night’s primaries. WHAT?!

4. My fucking upstairs neighbors here at Deer Valley Village moved in about two months ago. Before, it was quiet bliss at night. Any night. Every night. Terrific for being able to get words on the blank page. After, not so much. Both Rakeesh and Magdala are fine people, do not get me wrong. But their shit-machine of a two-year-old jumps up and down on their damn family room floor more than Richard Simmons after a four-pack of Red Bull. And this goes on for hours. And I can’t do shit. The front office won’t ever get off their asses or pick up a phone. Mom and dad up there just love their child expressing himself like he’s fucking Tom Hanks on the giant cocksucking piano in Big. I just want to sleep a good night at home for once. It’s not too much to ask. I’m the asshole though. It’s all my fault, you realize.

5. This back-and-forth fervor on whether Clint Eastwood’s Chrysler TV commercial was political or not is purely nonsense. Did any of the 900-trillion mouthbreathers watching the Superbowl take a minute to actually listen to the content of the commercial? Eastwood’s an American guy, and wants to see America do well. It doesn’t matter for shit who is in the White House. The fact that he’s a known Republican in mainly otherwise Democrat Hollywood blah blah horseshit is totally irrelevant. Please.

And that’s my giving a damn.


Part 6 of Afterwards drops in four days…take cover: »1   »2   »3   »4   »5

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The Most Important Things You Can’t Live Without

By ANDREW FLYNN, Managing Editor of The Daily Damn

Not necessarily one that you have to procreate with, but one/two/three/animal-of-choice that complement(s) your soul, true and through. The yin to your yang, the cream to your coffee, the sprinkles on your sundae. The one who tells you the things you’re thinking about, and then tells you that you’re stupid for thinking about those things. See “KNOWLEDGE” for more proof of your incorrectness.

A happy person is usually one that is getting paid. Compensation structure differs, depending how well you’ve slept up the ladder. Should you find yourself on a ladder that is bending incorrectly, they sell them at Lowe’s for a discount this week.

It’s not an absolute necessity, but it sure is good to have. This is truly something that you miss and feel lacking when it’s not there. Amusement is so crucial to preventing your natural urges to straight up murder somebody at random.

Your tribe, this is the blood that makes you. The kind of blood you don’t need a haz-mat suit to be around. Although if you do get pricked by a needle, you best be getting to an emergency room. After all the bombs go off and all the little trees are left charred yet still standing, these are the people in your life that you depend on regardless of how much you’ve previously disagreed with them. Or yelled a lot at and done horrible things to. Or taken a hearty squeeze on their front lawn in a blinding rage.

Certain financial planning radio talk show gurus will be overtly stern with you if you don’t have control of your own dough. On the other side, eating rice and beans for years on end really stinks, and isn’t really worth the price of getting yourself out of debt.

Nutrition, energy, strength, gluttony. The kind that tastes good is the best. Anchovies and fish egg-based dishes are not to be included in this company under penalty of death and/or food poisoning. What’s your favorite?

HBO. Showtime. Even Starz. Once you have these, you’ll understand exactly how much broadcast television really sucks. Should your favorite show be on one of these channels, you’re 87% less likely to deal with the word “cancelled”.

I’ll leave you to decide how much of this that you actually need. There are those of us that require lots of contact, and also get paid hundreds of dollars per hour while doing so. And then there are those of us walk up and down the street all night with sores on our feet from wearing these blood-filled hooker boots.

The human litmus test against your superiority. While technically under the category of entertainment, they can pervade your life enough at the wrong times to warrant their own category. But you can’t live without them. But you can “pwn” them, as per the parlance of our times.

It’s where your bed and TV is. Pretty crucial, even if you live in a crummy refrigerator box in ASU’s Lot 59. $275 per semester parking tag sold seperately.

Not that way. See SPIRITUALITY, sicko. Who are you? If you don’t know this, you’re unlikely to have the ability to enjoy the other items on this darn list.

Wow, this is pretty broad, isn’t it? Remember that one man’s knowledge is not necessarily another man’s college. Or if you’re completely unable to understand metaphors, it means that us humans have different schools of thought. Extremes exist where violence occurs differences, usually in the form of revolution, divorce, mutiny, and armed robbery.

The audio compliment to this life, super awesome. Can be used as Karaoke aide.
Editor’s Note: Fallout Boy is not considered music, regardless of how awesome you feel while listening to them.
Editor’s Second Note: Nobody feels awesome listening to Fallout Boy.

Let me in, man! It’s raining out here.

To make sense of the things you can’t make sense of…somehow. Clouds and angelic harp music are usually included, as are flocking humans, manipulated water, and off-key congregational singing. Don’t expect to catch the whole game if you can’t do this at home.

The one true way to show awesomeness over someone else. Also a mechanism for degenerate gambling and organized crime.

The nerd’s one true way to show their awesomeness over everyone. They understand this because they don’t understand anyone else.

We’re in Phoenix, and we’re adults. Gotta have a car. Yes, this is on this list. Okay, if you ride or horse or a bicycle, you’ll probably survive…unless there’s a Death Race situation of some sort.

Bathe in it, drink it, grow things with it…just not in that order. Water is absolute, water is life. Sold by the liter in bottles labeled “Fuji” for $4.69 each. Also available conveniently in-room at the cost of $11.00, which you’ll see at the bottom of your hotel folio.

This is a selfish one for me. To broaden this, let’s just call it self-expression. Because without this, we’d really have nothing to laugh at. That was your cue, and you missed it.

Postscript: Notice that much of today’s technology isn’t crucial to your survival. We can easily do without Facebook, TMZ, Anderson Cooper, cellular telephones, Netflix, 24-hour news channels, Range Rovers, Twitter, and the Kardashians (although I’d hardly ever refer to any of them as technology).

And that’s my giving a damn.


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