Pissgate: Getting In Front of the Story

By ANDREW FLYNN, Managing Editor

I’m writing this pretty close to 9pm Pacific on Thursday the 12th of January. The story about the Marines taking a fresh and organized piss on the corpses of enemy combatants has already broken.

Unless you’re in the military or family of someone who is, you just don’t know. I know I sure don’t. I’m a fucking civilian. Never saw war, or barely any civil unrest as long as I’ve been alive. Marines are the ones who go in first and leave last, like a dedicated manager of a really good sports bar who owns the place. Go with me here on this one.

A manager is a person who does everything that is necessary and then some in order to get a particular job done. They’ll get there early, take care of the shit that hasn’t been done the night before. They’ll watch their staff, make sure all the tasks are completed, and do what needs to be done in order to get the job done. But the manager in this case isn’t the owner. And the manager isn’t completely infallible, as the owner of any establishment will later tell you.

Marines are the best managers that the world has ever seen. They may be called at completely stressful and inopportune times, but they know the duty they have, and they do it well. They gear up, give a last wave to their loved ones, then shut up, and ship out to wherever they need to be, coming from orders that are given from people in charge in other places and much higher pay scales. They’re there to do what the orders are. But they’re also human.

A few incredibly giant assholes will always ruin it for the rest of them. This is something that the owner has to deal with. It’s the owner who ultimately has to decide if they’re going to shitcan the barback who is dealing drugs in the bathroom between lugging shit to the front. It’s the owner who has to decide whether or not to totally fire the bartender who is siphoning five, ten, and  twenty dollar bills from the register. You know, the one register that is in the multi-camera security system’s blindspot that the owner is too technologically-retarded to figure out how to cover.

It’s never the situation that the owner wants to be in either. All the owner wants to do is have a good staff, make a damn profit, and not work a million hours a month. They call all the shots, and the last thing they want to have to do is to become entangled in human resources issues and litigation of any sort. This is what’s going to end up happening with the few complete jerkoffs who decided to desecrate the bodies of whomever the hell they were pissing on. A story like this will spread faster than wildfire infused with kerosene, and will do more widespread damage than a fat girl at 2am after having drank nine Vodka Red Bulls.

The owner must get front and center, that means the higher military authority and possibly even President Obama himself is going to have to get visible on the matter, and fucking quick, too. We’ve spent the last decade in Afghanistan and the larger Middle East trying to do good, not always getting the good done. Another black eye is definitely what we don’t need as far as what our status is in the region.

If we can communicate that it was the work of a few, and not the rest of the good staff at this giant sports bar over there, that behaved this deplorably, then the managers can get back to doing what they do best: their actual duties that they arrived there to do in the first place. Then, and only then, can the owner confer with the good managers and decide how swiftly to kick the asses of those who caused the wheels to come off the wagon.

And that’s my giving a damn.

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One thought on “Pissgate: Getting In Front of the Story

  1. Eddie Gates says:

    You know, the Bar Manager analogy works here more than you know, considering the types of people who end up managing a bar are typically the same type of people who end up signing up for the military! You also inadvertantly reminded us all how much we HATE to have our manager to be some snotty-nosed kid just out of high school. Just a few random bits I reflected on, totally off point I know.

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